Dual Military Career Weddings

Fulfilling a different type of Orders

Meeting the Challenge of a Dual-Military Marriage

by P. S. Kunze

LIFELines and Department of Navy

He stands at attention with his right hand over his heart and begins singing, "From the halls of Montezuma …" As the sun glistens off his military-style haircut, steely-eyed, he continues the hymn. What he lacks in finesse, he makes up for with enthusiasm that builds with every memorized word. Minutes later, he finishes, " …We are proud to claim the title of United States Marine," and goes back to playing on the deck with his toy trucks. The son of Marine and Navy officers, 5–year–old Christopher is living proof that it is possible to have successful military careers and a home life.

Meeting the demands of a military career while maintaining a marriage and family life can be intensely challenging. When both spouses are active duty, the challenges increase, but so do the rewards. It is possible to have a successful military career as well as a fulfilling home life, but it doesn't happen by luck. You have to plan, communicate, and be willing to compromise in order to keep the big picture in focus.

Establish Your Priorities Early
Christopher's parents, Marine Corps Major Chele Robertson and Navy Lieutenant Commander Lydia Robertson, have used the challenges of combining careers from different services to help them become more focused, organized, and aware of what they're doing both professionally and as a family. This strategy seems to be working for them, because both have maintained viable careers and each will be promoted later this year.

"We've really done our best to balance all of the demands," says Lydia. "The balancing is required on a daily basis, as well as for the big decisions, like what my next job is and where it will be. We try to have enough flexibility and communication so that we're prepared for the known commitments." This approach also allows the Robertson's to be able to handle unplanned events such as a medical appointment for a sick child or a last-minute meeting.

Damon and Zorina Wilson are both staff sergeants in the Marine Corps stationed as instructors at Naval Aviation Maintenance Training Unit (NAMTRAU) in Lemoore, California. Like the Robertsons, the Wilson's have successfully met the demands of career and family by setting priorities and keeping their goals in sight.

"We have requested orders that allow our family to be our focus," says Zorina. While the orders have not always been the most career-enhancing orders available, the Wilson's have excelled wherever they've been.

Fortunately for both couples, both spouses have been able to continue taking orders to jobs that have allowed their individual careers to flourish. However, as each becomes more senior and respective jobs become more critical for fewer promotion opportunities, the couples acknowledge that they might reach a point at which one career will become secondary in order to maintain their first priority of family.

"When the time comes that one career has to be primary, we'll see who is in a better position careerwise, and then determine who will be the priority," says Damon. "If its her career, then I'll let her be the priority. If it's mine, I think she would do the same for me." Rather than speculating as to which career will most likely be the primary, he says they'll face that issue if it occurs — and hope that it never does.

Four-way Communication Is Key
In any relationship, two-way communication is vital. In the dual-military marriage, four-way communication is the rule for success. Not only must each spouse coordinate with each other, but they must also communicate with their respective detailer or monitor. In turn, the monitors and detailers must communicate with each other and the service members to find suitable assignments.

When asked about detailing dual-military couples, both Navy and Marine Corps personnel command spokespersons agree that the services are supportive of married service members. However, LT Jon Spiers of the Bureau of Naval Personnel points out, "Detailers will make every effort to work with people to get them stationed together, but the needs of the Navy come first."

General detailing guidelines can be found in the Department of Defense Directives; however, the best approach for any service member is to become familiar with your service's regulations and then work personally with your detailer or monitor.

Anticipating the service's needs, as well as re-evaluating how your personal and professional situation has changed or could change in the future, is an effective way to stay ahead of detailing issues. For example, if you have school-age children, you should consider future orders based not only on available billets, but also on whether appropriate education exists at a particular location. Decide what you are willing or able to do with regard to job requirements before you accept orders.

The Wilson's have been willing to volunteer for duty stations or billets that are more difficult for the Marine Corps to fill. Once there, they have also been willing to extend the length of their tour to increase their chances of moving to their next duty station together. Damon feels this is one of the key reasons they've been allowed to stay together while serving the Marine Corps.

While he realizes there are no guarantees that he and his wife will be co-located at every duty station, Damon believes their co-location is a benefit to the service. As an example, he cites their upcoming overseas move to Iwakuni, Japan. The Marine Corps will save money on their move because it fills two critical overseas billets for the price of one move. The gaining command also benefits because it has filled two senior enlisted vacancies.

Marine Corps policy allows married Marines to be stationed at the same command as long as the members will not be in each others chain of command. The Wilson's are especially mindful of their relationship at work, and agree that professionalism is key. Because both work in the avionics field, they are likely to be in the same division. As senior enlisted leaders, they understand that they must set a personal and professional example for junior Marines. "We never put ourselves in a situation where that would be a problem," says Damon.

Both couples have tried to minimize the effects of their personal lives on their professional lives. For example, rather than having the same member always take time off to care for a child, they share the responsibility. This may mean that one parent misses a morning while the other misses the afternoon, or one parent misses a full day and the other will essentially be on call for the next missed day.

"Semper Gumby" (Or, Always Flexible)
When service members discuss strategies for choosing assignments, the common thread is always their willingness to compromise and remain flexible. Often, "exotic jobs" or those usually considered fast track may not be the best fit when your family is your priority, Chele Robertson points out. However, he says, jobs that fit are just as time-consuming and difficult as the career enhancers. A case in point would be the Robertson's current billets: Chele serves as the aide-de-camp to the general in charge of the Marine Corps Reserves while Lydia is the Naval Reserve Force Public Affairs Officer.

Initially, the Robertson's focused on being stationed in the same geographical region, even though they were geographical bachelors for their first 18 months of marriage. Six years and two children later, they feel fortunate to have been stationed together for the bulk of their married lives. It is not merely good luck that both have attended postgraduate schools as well as landing career-enhancing billets along the way.

While they give credit to their detailers, the Robertsons also point out that they have remained realistic in their expectations. For example, they know they might not be able to move on exactly the same day or be within a mile of each other at their new duty station. This realistic approach is especially crucial in their situation when they will be working billets, locations, and career requirements for different specialties and services.

Although she admits she has turned down jobs that were appealing on a purely professional level, Lydia is quick to point out that these jobs would not have allowed her to meet her family commitments. "I am one of those who thinks there aren't any really bad jobs," she explains. "Any job is what you make of it, and there are always opportunities to be professionally challenged."

Disadvantages
Although they are very positive about their experiences in the Marine Corps, the Wilson's agree that working so closely together is not without its challenges. "One of the things that can be difficult is separating when to speak as a staff sergeant and when to speak as a spouse — and the way people interpret it," says Damon. "Usually, you just bite your tongue because you don't want any career implications."

Another concern for the Wilson's is that because they are the same rate and same rank in the same command, they are evaluated against each other. Essentially, they are in competition. They have tried to minimize the impact on their personal lives by using it to help each other be better at their jobs. "What is really great about our situation is that we excel at different things. My deficiencies are primarily areas he excels at and is able to help me improve," says Zorina.

Although some people are under the impression that service members who are married to other service members may be at a disadvantage for pay purposes because of lost benefits or entitlements, this is a misconception. According to Lt. Spiers, most pay, entitlements, and allowances are the same for dual-military marriages as they would be if each member were married to a non-military person. One exception is Family Separation Allowance (FSA). Only one member is authorized to draw FSA and only one entitlement to FSA can be paid in any given month.

Advantages
"It is a bit of a double-edged sword," says Chele. "It is hard to coordinate a joint move, and it may change at the last minute, but once you're there it is worth it." He feels that one of the greatest advantages of both being in the military is that neither spouse's career suffers as a result of the move. Unlike many spouses who are uprooted from jobs every few years to move with a military spouse, both service members will have good jobs and career options immediately.

While Lydia agrees that it's an advantage knowing both she and her husband will have jobs when they move to a new area, she also enjoys some of the less tangible aspects of her situation.

"We have twice as many observances and celebrations to attend. We understand some of the military intricacies, details, and demands that each of us go through. We learn from each other professionally. And we have fun," she insists. The fact that their children love to see both Mommy and Daddy in their uniforms is also a benefit.

The Wilson's believe the advantages of a dual-military marriage are literally visible on a day-to-day basis. They both feel that working close to each other every day allows them to maintain a strong relationship. It also allows them to empathize with each other about issues they may be dealing with in their individual careers because they understand the military lifestyle and what is expected. And, Damon adds, if he has a uniform question, such as which medal is senior to another, all he has to do is ask his wife because she's good with that type of information.

While no one will tell you that it is easy, it is possible to have viable careers and home lives, even when both spouses are active duty. By establishing priorities, keeping lines of communication open, and remaining flexible, you will greatly increase your odds of success. Those who have been successful, like the Robertsons and the Wilson's, will tell you that the rewards far outweigh the challenges they have met along the way.

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